A Modern Dilemna

   Last night I was hanging around the house with my awesome wife.  We had just finished dinner and a good friend come by to visit for a bit.  Then I watched the Season Finale of Sons of Anarchy and was just hanging out after that.  Nothing out of the ordinary or extraordinary.  Just a nice evening around our apartment with good company.  However, my mind was racing about different stuff.  That usually puts me somewhat in the mood to tweet something or write something on Facebook, but this was a little different. 

   I realized as I pulled Twitter up on my phone and opened up my blank spot to write in that I couldn’t think of anything.  I just sat there for a few minutes trying to think of something to say and couldn’t really find anything to say at all, but that lead me today to a few thoughts about things.

   One of the first things that crossed my mind was, “Does anybody really care what you write on Twitter or Facebook?”  I mean, how many times have I written on either one with not one like or response?  How many times do I look at others posts and do the exact same thing?  It would seem if I were to look at it, I’m not one of those folks that people feel the desire to really comment on their stuff.  Rather it’s because what I write is stupid or whatever, I don’t really care…but in reality does anybody else really?  I’m not the most clever, or witty, or important or “cool” person around so, those don’t help.  I can name a few people who actually respond or comment on stuff.  I’ve gone as far as to state that I’m trying to start a discussion and I get nothing, lol.  I remember when Facebook first came out.  It was what you did to try to connect with people and it was the new-ness of it I remember that made us utilize the network.  Same with Twitter.  Now it seems like having conversations, discussions, and really connecting with people is not the main function.  It seems that now the main function has shifted to providing a lazy way for people to keep up with each other or “stalk” their friends as opposed to having to call, text, email and heavens forbid visit with each other.  That transitions nicely to the next thought…

   Don’t we remember what it was like to actually talk to each other.  I mean really talk.  Have those talks that improve your relationships.  Have those talks that make you appreciate the individual more?  Have those talks that you remember years later?  I do.  I remember having talks with people before Facebook and twitter came around and it’s a drastic difference.  I’ve wondered in a lot of relationships what I’ve done different or wrong to make things in my own life change so much.  I’ve seen some relationships grow quickly, other decline, and some stay stagnant.  I can’t put almost all of them into 3 categories:

1.  Improved relationships – People I actually spend time with.  Actually have phone or in person conversations, and at the least, continuous email conversations.  The people that pertain to this category are people I’ve been around for years and only after I started spending time with them again, did I really appreciate them, saw their quirks, and were able to really appreciate them for who they are.  For these people, I realize that I do not rely on Facebook to keep me posted on what’s going on with them.  I don’t need to.  I have real conversations and at the least emails with them all the time and see them frequently.  These are great, healthy relationships in my life.  These relationships are the most comfortable to me because people can see more of “me” and vice versa.  There’s a comfort in knowing that I can be myself and that people are seeing it first hand and not trying to interpret what they see online or hear from someone else. 

2.  Stagnant relationships – I use the word stagnant just to demonstrate a non-moving relationship.  No negative connotation.  These relationships are pretty easy to explain.  No progress or digression necessarily.  It’s just not moving.  I feel that these relationships are that way because I may rarely see someone or see them just enough to reassure us both that we are in fact still friends.  We sadly however, know enough about what’s going on with each other without having spoken in a month or so.  We rely on Facebook and twitter to “stalk” the other one and are too lazy to take the time to visit or call or even email or text.  I get it that everybody has those relationships that don’t need maintenance to be incredible.  My neighborhood gang from childhood is that way.  I’m not talking about those sorts.  I’m just saying these are people who I don’t really talk to and rarely see, but it carries some weight to it and maybe it shouldn’t.  I guess I question these because if we are too lazy to spend time together, share a meal, a text, email or anything, what does that say? 

3.  Declining relationships – These are relationships that I can pinpoint very clearly that I feel have been damaged or totally cut off at the roots and kept from growing due to Facebook or twitter, or the culture that they’ve created in our society.  These are largely with people who rely so heavily on them, and put so much stock in them, that as happened Saturday, they’ll get mad at you and quit talking to you, because you post something about football they didn’t like.  Also, they’ll think they know everything about you because they read something on one of these sites.  Typically, in my experience, these people have a serious co-dependency on the internet and probably also love reading tabloids for their unbiased, highly researched and educational analysis of Kim Kardashian’s latest rumors and horrible TV shows.

   Regardless, I can look back at being in Montevallo when Facebook existed but wasn’t the number one tool of stalkers, and when Twitter wasn’t even around, and truly miss the conversations I used to have with folks…the closeness that came from trying to figure out the worlds problems…the acceptance that came from my porch with a hobo fire when some catholics, some protestants, and some people who couldn’t care less would discuss anything and everything and love each other all the same, while mostly disagreeing.  Now, we get defriended and use it as a method to exact our anger on someone for saying they don’t think Alabama should play for the national championship. 

   In reality, I just think, as I’ve stated in past blogs, that a culture’s been created that is becoming harmful to relationships of all kinds.  I called someone the other day to just say Hi and it was like I was begging for money for the 10oth time.  They didn’t know what to do.  It’s someone I’ve known for years and used to never be at a loss for words with and it was like I just met them.  It was so hard to talk to them.  I’ve seen people tell me I had a certain mindset about something that we’ve never spoken about because of a comment I made a year prior on Facebook.  Really?  You know what’s in my mind and my character based on a backhanded comment on Facebook?  We have missed get togethers because we didn’t see a Facebook invite.

   I don’t think that Facebook and Twitter are all that bad if used responsibly.  Am I the only one though that recognizes the potential poison these things add to our lives?  Someone makes a random comment as a status update or a tweet and I’ve had people call me to know if I knew what someone else was talking about.  I said, “Why don’t you call them and ask them?”  We are more comfortable being hidden behind comments and statuses now rather than in front of friends.  Want to share some pics?  Awesome?  Want to share a great article you read?  Go for it?  Want to wish someone a happy birthday?  You can’t call them or text them personally?  Maybe they wanna hear your voice.  Have a problem with someone?  Sure, make a snide remark and share your business over the internet for everybody to read, why not?  Want me to never think your boyfriend is a good guy because EVERY SINGLE FIGHT YOU GET IN, YOU PUT IT ON FACEBOOK!?  Ok. 

Another thing.  I caught myself last night wanting to feel connected to some friends somehow.  Just a conversation.  Say Hi.  Something you know?  And what do I find myself doing?  Holding my stupid phone in my hand with a blank Tweet looking ridiculous just trying to find something deserving of a response to post.  I thought about calling someone just to talk, which I haven’t done in forever, and couldn’t think of anyone that would be happy to hear from me.  Am I really using Twitter and Facebook for companionship?  How sad is that?  Now, don’t read into something here.  Meg’s a napper so I am talking about primarily when we’re not together or she’s indisposed because we can’t shut up when we’re together!  Love that about us…I digress!  So, why not get off of them?  I think honestly, I’m afraid of not mattering. 

   I feel like Facebook and Twitter have become this way to gauge our importance at the very least, subconsciously.  Think about it.  If you had a twitter and never had a mention, a reply or anything, would you keep using it?  If every status update, chat message, regular message or photo went with no response or comment, would you keep using Facebook?  I think that I already don’t feel like anything I have to say or think really matters anymore, except to Meg, so what would happen if I got off Facebook and Twitter all together?  Would I ever get emailed?  Called?  Asked to visit?  Have a lunch together?  I don’t know.  What I do know is pretty simple though. 

   I know I miss good conversation.  I miss people coming to just hang out for no reason other than the enjoyment of just having company.  I miss laughing with people in those times when the need for company couldn’t be filled by Facebook or Twitter.  I miss those conversations that you remember for years or the random, “Hey, let’s do lunch next week and catch up.”  I miss those random “Hey, I’m bored, let’s go do something trips” where good memories and just “time together” was spent.  I just miss real quality interaction with people who leaves you feeling good about the relationship with that person.  I’m tired of seeing my friends lives pass me by in status updates and tweets with an occasional picture here and there. 

   I as a person have become too lazy I think.  I’m lazy with my relationships.  I could do better.  I need to remember that this is the only life I have and it’s not that long.  Why not make the most of it?  On my deathbed, I doubt I will be longing for more time on the couch playing on Facebook or twitter.  I doubt I will yearn for more time “like” your status or post a picture.  I’m sure I won’t be tweeting my final thoughts and wishing for more than 140 characters.  I will long for more time with Meg, our children (someday), my friends and loved ones.  I will be longing for more conversations, laughs, cries, and time to make memories.  I will regret not doing more to nurture the relationships with people God has blessed me with in my life.  I will want more time at the lake with friends.  I will want more time to hold Meg and laugh with her.  I’ll more want more time to talk in chinese accents and make a “foor of ourserves and raugh raugh raugh”!  I’ll want more time to discuss religion, politics and sports with friends…and I won’t want to do ANY of that over Facebook, twitter or any other social network.  I will want to do that in person or at least over a phone call.  I will want to experience as much as I can and I don’t want to get a comment on my wall saying, “I’m gonna miss you!”  or “RIP Reagan.  We had fun.”  

   “A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

   I believe that to be so true.  Think about that.  For some reason, in its simplicity that strikes me as profound.  I remember one time looking at Facebook and seeing that I had 1400 friends and thinking, “You’re a real idiot Reagan.  For starters, you do not have 1400 friends.  You may have met that many people but they aren’t friends.  Secondly, you are nowhere near that important to much of anybody.”  After pondering it and a few cuts later, I’ve got it down to maybe 300 or so and that’s pushing it.  The point is, I don’t know how many people now could meet that definition above.  Sure, I’ve pushed people away.  Sure, I have done things that made people go away I’m sure.  I’m not perfect and I’m not one size fits all.  Some will like me and some won’t.  I can’t help that, but how precious in my life a person that fits that definition is now.  I would argue that with more quality time invested in my relationships and less Facebook ”stalking” time just to keep up, I could possibly have more of these people around me.  I have realized that I have very few people who I can be myself around.  Truly myself.  I’m passionate about things I care about, even more passionate and protective about people I care about, love a good discussion and I’ll even argue just cause I like those too, have a dirty mouth, am not offended by much of anything, so I probably offend people regularly,  probably too honest for my own good, care too much about principle, make bad decisions sometimes (a hell of a lot less than I used to), am too harsh at times, vulgar at times, a pretty awful and regular sinner (I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve proven to be capable of), I think I’m right frequently, and have been infamous for leaving the sugar off the coating.  Hopefully there’s some good in there too.  Now,couple whatever good there may be with this 10% of the bad things about me I can think of right now, and if you can pick all that up through Facebook and Twitter to get the accurate picture of me, then you deserve a cookie! 

   We’ve been criticized for staying busy the way we do.  Sure, we like to do “stuff” but a larger reason is this.  We aren’t movie stars, or rock stars, or anybody else that is all that important.  I’m just Reagan.  Things aren’t like they used to be back in Motown when people were at my house all the time.  When someone thinks enough of us to invite us somewhere, even just for coffee, or wants to come over, or anything else, it’s special to Meg and I.  It’s not Facebook.  It’s not Twitter.  It’s real-time to share a good meal with friends.  A cup of coffee.  A few jokes and laughs.  Maybe even something serious.  Regardless, it’s special to us.  We don’t think so highly of ourselves that we just say No without trying.  We know people who will tell us for a week we’re gonna hang out, then the day of change their mind.  That hurts.  Do you think we don’t have lives and have scheduled time for you in it.  I’m tired too!  Are we not important to you or are you just that much more important of a person that you can just set my schedule?  Regardless, shouldn’t we put the same effort we expect out of others into our lives?  Who are we to be fussy about people doing the same crap we are?  Or, are we just becoming too lazy with our relationships that any real effort just doesn’t seem worth it because we can hide behind our social networks?  I don’t know.  I do know that I can do better on my end to be a real, human, interactive, caring, and loving person, in any role I have in my life. 

“Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends.”

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked”

“Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

I just don’t know how I can expect the friends that are mentioned about to be created or maintained when I use the excuse of social networking as my #1 tool to contribute to these relationships.  I guess we’ll see. 

Oh, and do us both a favor.  If I am one of those people who you won’t find important enough to respond to if a message is written to you, just de-friend me.  Saves me wondering and writing you again!  Oh…

Love you all and Have a Merry Christmas.

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